Codependence, Independence, Interdependence

 

Between the extremes of codependence and independence, lies interdependence

Codependence/Dependence:

• We rely solely on other people or systems (for example, our spouse or ISKCON) to meet our needs.
• We have the expectation that our needs "should" be fulfilled by others. For example, a husband might think that it is the wife's "duty" to cook for him, clean his clothes, a.k.a, be his slave! A wife may have the expectation that her need for love, belonging, security, and financial stability "should" be met by her husband.
• We blame others for unmet needs. For example, I blame ISKCON management for not caring for me during a rough time, although I gave so much service to the movement.
• In codependency, a mentor may derive their sense of identity from being the "rescuer" of their mentee. In such a case, the relationship becomes thwarting for the mentee, for their growth threatens the sense of identity of their mentor. The mentor will prefer for them to be in a helpless, victim mode, so that their need for contribution and mattering continues to be met. The mentor is hustling for their own self-worth, in a codependent relationship.
• We get stuck that a particular person has to meet our needs. We refuse to think creatively of options to meet our needs through other strategies. We fail to take responsibility for our own needs and blame others for not meeting them. For example, I went through 2 miscarriages about 14-15 years ago. When my mentor did not call me after my 2nd miscarriage, I harbored a lot of negativity towards them. Later, with NVC, I saw how my need for care and support were primed at the time, and as an adult, I can find many creative strategies by reaching out to friends and family, rather than demand that a particular person meet my need. 
• We disconnect from our personal power when we depend on others to meet our needs. We experience no sense of agency, we believe we are unable to affect change, and that our needs can be met by external forces alone. We see ourselves as being incapable of meeting our needs.
• We may "give in" or "give up" on many of our own needs, in hopes that some of our foundational needs, such as love and belonging will be met. We might seek approval to ensure belonging. We are more likely to submit. 
• Eastern cultures where communal needs are prioritized can sometimes go to this unhealthy extreme.
• Women are socialized to be dependent. 

Independence:

• Prabhupada explains that mayavada and sunyavada philosophies arise out of frustration. These philosophies are essentially based on independence. 
• Sometimes, we get so frustrated by unmet expectations in relationships that we go to the extreme of thinking we can rely only on ourselves, perceiving ourselves as completely self-sufficient. We sacrifice connection with others. 
• Western cultures have a strong ethic that self-sufficiency leads to better chances of survival. Dependence is associated with weakness and powerlessness. 
• Men are socialized to be independent, which often frustrates the women seeking partnership with them!

Dependence and Independence are really flip sides of the same coin. Both arise from a fear-driven, often shame-based approach. Whether we see ourselves as utterly dependent or independent we likely feel alienated from ourselves and others.

Interdependence:

The Butterfly Effect: the flutter of a butterfly's wings can touch patterns of weather across the planet.

• Humans are social beings. Our needs are met through interdependent relationships.
• A healthy mentor-mentee relationship is that of interdependence. The mentor serves as a "coach" rather than a "rescuer". Their need for contribution and for extending compassionate care is met by sharing Krishna Consciousness with their mentee. The mentee's need for growth, community, love, and belonging is also met in such an exchange. But neither is dependent on the other exclusively for meeting their need. A mentor can find many creative strategies for meeting their need for contribution, and hence their self-worth or mattering is not on the table if the mentee makes choices that are out of alignment with the mentor's suggestions. 
• We take responsibility for our own needs and this empowers us to move into action. 
• We recognize that we need others to meet our needs. Our lives are inextricably intertwined with the lives of others. Life is sustained through interdependent relationships. 
• We recognize that the same Paramatma lives within all of us, and we are connecting on the soul-to-soul level. We recognize that the All Potent Krishna has also bestowed us with personal power to meet our needs. 
• We trust that Krishna is a very loving Lord and that He makes all arrangements for His children. We trust that our needs will be met one way or another. Then we are free to let the other person be exactly how they are. And there is so much power in that freedom to give and receive. There is so much potential for connection.  
• We make requests of others to enrich our lives, and are not attached to them agreeing to meet our needs. In other words, our requests are not hidden demands!
• When we are conscious of interdependence, then everyone's needs matter. We don't try to get our needs met at the cost of others' needs. We acknowledge our intrinsic interconnectedness, so we are moved to sharing resources.
• Leaning into interconnectedness, we are less likely to objectify others by seeing them as strategies to meet our needs or as obstacles to satisfying them. We consider how our choices impact others. 
• It is both an opportunity and a responsibility to serve and enrich one another. 
• In interdependent marital relationships, the wife may still be doing many of the traditional roles ascribed to women, and likewise for the husband, but there is no "should", "have to", or "must", but instead one chooses to cook or work joyfully, out of connection with needs of self and others.

Even trees connect with neighboring trees and share information through underground network of fungi. In that way, trees share information and nutrients supporting the health of the entire forest. They pass on nutrients to weaker trees to sustain them!

Watch this video of HH Radhanatha Maharaja on Interdependence!

 

Dadati-pratigrhnati: the mutuality of giving and receiving

With the awareness of interconnectedness, we ask ourselves, "How can I authentically be in touch with what I value while maintaining connection with what's important to the other person?" Integrating authenticity and care, we cultivate our capacity to care for the needs of the self and others. We maintain dialogue when challenges arise, which makes it more likely that we will come up with strategies that attend to the needs of everyone.

Reference - Chapter 3, "Interdependence and Dependence/Independence" from "The Heart of Nonviolent Communication: 25 Keys to Shift from Separation to Connection" by Stephanie Bachmann Mattei and Kristin K. Collier.

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