Taking Full Responsibility for Meeting our Needs

Question: In a previous session, referring to an example of coming late to a class, Prabhu was making a point that- if the need is punctuality, one would be angry and if the need is peace, there will be no anger/disturbance. 

I am not very clear about it yet, but if I change my need with my relationship with my mother in law. Instead of me wanting to be included, if I try to meet my unmet need, or shift my need to peace instead of expecting something else...Maybe it would be easier.

My Thoughts:

    The realization that Prabhu was sharing was that we take full responsibility that our feelings are connected to our needs, and not to the actions/words of others. If I am waiting for a friend, who arrives 15 minutes after the agreed-upon time, and if I value punctuality and respect for our agreement, I will feel angry. However, if I need some rest, and in those 15 minutes, I take a power nap, I will feel glad and rejuvenated! If I had a really rough parenting day, and I needed 15 minutes to just decompress and read, I would feel ease and relaxation to have that time. So we can see that in the same situation, different feelings can arise, based on our needs, and release others from the shackles of thinking they are "causing" our feelings. I used to carry a lot of resentment towards a lot of people for not meeting my needs. Taking responsibility for my feelings has been liberating from the cage I had built for myself!

    Part of taking full responsibility for our needs includes releasing particular people from the expectation of meeting particular needs. I need belonging and inclusion. I want to know that I matter. I want to feel love and connection. I can find creative strategies for meeting my needs. Sometimes, my mother-in-law may be able to meet some of these needs. And at other times, she may not have the capacity to meet any/some of them. I am an adult and it is my responsibility, not hers, to meet my needs. 

    There have been some points in my life when I've had some health challenges. In those times, I have been attached to expectations for her to reach out to me in particular ways. Now, however, with some NVC training, I've come to understand that my need during those times was for support and care. If I can release her from the expectation that she has to meet these needs, then I can reach out to others for support and care. I have plenty of family and friends, who have been willing to meet those needs.

    Inclusion and belonging are other needs that come alive for me in my relationship with my in-laws. NVC encourages us to sit with the beauty of our needs, independent of the attachment of particular people needing to meet them. So, I can journal or speak with a friend about my needs to be included, to belong, and to have connection. I can acknowledge and accept these needs. Then, I can find ways to belong and be included in other settings. For example, my need for belonging, inclusion, and connection are being met by our NVC support group. Devotees are finding benefit from what I am sharing, and there is a sense of community and camaraderie. We find shared reality in our marital struggles and the husband-wife jokes make light of the challenges of grhastha life! So, I do not have to force my in-laws or anyone else to meet my needs, but can find many wonderful, creative ways to meet my needs.

    It's not so much as changing the needs within my relationship with my mother-in-law, but releasing her from the shackles of meeting my needs. Then, there is flow in our relationship. She gives joyfully and with choice, to whichever needs she has the willingness and capacity to meet. I receive so much from my in-laws, who love me dearly, when I shift my perspective. I am able to move from "entitlement" to "gratitude" by taking responsibility for meeting my needs. This freedom to give and receive to meet needs, is what I believe, Srila Rupa Goswami talks about, in the six loving exchanges.  

   

Walking the Bridge from Fairness to Willingness and Capacity

Question: The only thing I also notice about myself is when I am kind to others, or do something, there’s no problem. But the problem occurs when I start subtly to expect some reciprocation, whether in terms of appreciation, respecting my doing or lending me a hand with chores. And that is not always the need of others. The need for me is there, connection and respect and love. But others needs of same thing can be in different ways (different strategy). But now since my needs didn’t get met, I am somehow unable to meet those needs of others. How to overcome this problem? Krsna consciousness teaches us not to expect and understand the peace formula from BG but as normal humans as I’m not at the level of that consciousness yet, despite trying, it’s an automatic response to expect especially from loved ones.

My Thoughts:

    I encourage you to not confuse that which is natural with that which has become habitual. I would say that expecting reciprocation from others has become habitual, but is not the natural state of the jiva. 

    NVC is based on the understanding that humans are a "mothering species". This term does not refer to the female gender, but instead of a human's innate tendency to orient to other people's needs in the spirit of unilateral giving. Of all species, the human baby is the most dependent for the longest amount of time. Without unilateral giving on part of the care takers and unilateral receiving on the part of the baby, our species will not survive. The principle of unilaterally giving and receiving is in our DNA. 

    When we are oriented to the needs of the other, giving is natural. Human beings, no matter what age or gender, have this "mothering" instinct. This implies that what to speak of my spouse, even my 13 and 10 year old sons have the inherent capacity to contribute to my needs, if I just orient them to what I need, instead of to a "should", "have to", guilt trip, or obligation. Even if I do not say it out loud, if I carry an expectation energy, it interferes with this natural flow because flow depends on experiencing choice in giving. 

    This "gift economy" is our natural currency. However, we are socialized into a "market economy". I keep track of how much I am giving and if your giving falls short of my account, I feel some caustic energy towards you. 

    NVC invites us to walk the bridge from "fairness" to "willingness and capacity". There is no fairness in the world of natural giving! 

    I can share an example of expectations from my own life. My husband and I have an agreement that I take take care of our Deities by doing Mangal Arati and cooking from Mondays through Fridays, and my husband does Mangal Arati on Saturdays and Sundays. Once a week, on Sundays, we decided that he would cook. I used to keep close track of whether my husband was doing his "services".  I was fearful that my needs for ease and space on the weekends will not be met if I did not assert that things be fair. If he happened to have a meeting on a Saturday morning, for example, then I would want to "trade" for another day. However, the more I am cultivating my muscle to orient towards our needs, I am shifting from fairness to willingness and capacity. On a day that he might have a Karuna Care meeting in the early morning hours, for example, I have more capacity to serve Their Lordships. I want to contribute to his need to grow in his counseling skills by being present at such meetings. I am no longer keeping a tab on which day he will "trade" with me for, because I am tapping into my need for contribution to his life, and his need for self growth. 

    Exchange interferes with the natural flow of giving to needs. If someone gives to us out of obligation, that giving is like sweet rice mixed with sand. There is no rasa or taste in it because it is transactional, rather than loving. Transactional exchange empties relationships. If we want flow, we need to fundamentally uncouple giving from receiving. We need to strengthen our muscle of unilateral giving, but even more difficult, we need to strengthen our muscle of unilateral receiving. 

    Because of my orientation to fairness, and my discomfort with unilateral receiving, when I returned from DC last Friday, I considered telling my husband that I would serve the Deities on Saturday and Sunday, since he had covered up for Thursday and Friday, which are typically "my days" for serving the Deities. But I checked myself because such a transaction would have diminished his giving to me. My understanding is that he joyfully took care of the Deities for two days because of his need to see me enlivened by sharing NVC in DC. If I reduced it to a transaction, I would have diminished his loving gift to me, and his joy in having had the good fortune of serving our Lordships on days that he typically is working instead. 

    Another example is that I have a need for mutuality in our home. We all eat in the home, we live there, and so I would like for all of us to participate in cleaning and serving in ways that are mutually reciprocal. Previously, I was fearful that if I am "nice", I will end up being everyone's slave. I will end up doing all the work while everyone else just goofs off. However, now I feel empowered with tools to express my needs and hold other's needs with care at the same time. Because I am no longer fearful of my needs not getting met, I can come to the table with tenderness in my heart and be vulnerable with my children. Here's a hypothetical, sample dialogue:

    "I really value mutuality (NEED) in our home. I often feel overwhelmed (FEELING) with work, homeschooling, tending to your needs, and the courses I am taking and teaching. I want to experience ease and time to rest (NEED). I am wondering if you can also share your needs, and together, we can come up with a list of services that you will be willing to take responsibility for (REQUEST).

    Notice in this dialogue that I did not place expectations of reciprocation on my children. I did not tell them that they need to clean in order to live and eat here. I did not have a predefined strategy of what I want my children to do. I did not place the problem as a conflict between us, but as a dilemma in front of us. We are on the same side of the table and I am seeking partnership and collaboration in solving the dilemma. I am also vulnerable and invoked their inherent need to make my life wonderful by contributing to my needs, which I oriented them towards. My request for my children to share their needs may open up the door to my understanding their need for recreation, play, or relaxation after a day at school. 

    The curious paradox is that when we let go of expectations, people might just actually behave in ways we want them! But we cannot cheat the system! Krishna is in our hearts and He knows all that lies within, even if we try to veil it pretty well! When people are free to give to us, without fear of consequences or guilt trips, then out of that freedom, choice, and autonomy, they give joyfully. 

    This does mean that we are willing to let voids happen instead of someone overcommitting and then feeling resentful. So, I may choose to live in peace with cleaning my home once every two weeks, because no one is joyfully willing nor has the capacity for a weekly cadence. The choice is ours - do we want to live in resentment, or do we want to live in peace with some unmet needs? 

    It has to begin somewhere. It's a choice that we are being invited to! Are we willing to choose to release others from the shackles of our expectations? We can choose to create the world we want to live in, starting from our home. Are we willing to partake in an alternative way of relating, rooted in flow? Are we willing to release our conceptions of fairness and replace them with what is really possible?

    This might mean that because I am further along on this journey than most of the people I am in relationship with, within my capacity, I may extend more care for navigating things. Why? Because I have the capacity. If I were committed to fairness, I would say, "Why should I do more than you? I shouldn't." But I choose to. As I gain more and more capacity, I want to bring in more care for the whole, not just for me. 

    I invite you to think about how you can break your deeply ingrained scripts of fairness and expectations in small interactions throughout the day. What can you do differently to start to spin threads of connection, instead of disconnection with our loved ones?

Living in Peace with Unmet Needs

    Srila Prabhupada writes in his Purport to Sri Isopanishad's Invocation Mantra:

All forms of incompleteness are experienced due to incomplete knowledge of the complete whole. 

    So, our feeling of incompleteness due to unmet needs can be fully satisfied with the strength of our relationship with Krishna. There is no alternative to cultivating strong sadhna! In His loving embrace, we can rest in peace with all our unmet needs. 

    Srila Prabhupada explains that this material world is a hospital, not a hotel. So, by default, it is not a place where all our needs are meant to be met. This world has been created to reform our tendency to have desires independent of a relationship with Krishna. We can change our expectation to one of being unsatisfied here! By recalibrating our expectations, we might find some peace with unmet needs. 

    I can give an example from today! My husband and I live busy lives, yet we made the choice today to go biking. I was so excited about the possibility of spending some connecting time with the whole family! When my children were young, I spent much time with them. However, as they've grown, and I've chosen to dive into some other interests besides mothering, I am longing for a deeper connection and more time with them. They prefer to hang out with friends on weekends, rather than their parents. Our older son declined to go biking, for he wanted to finish his homework due tomorrow for his homeschool coop, and our younger son was not interested in biking. He preferred to go to play soccer with friends, and when all his friends declined, he preferred to play soccer alone in our yard, rather than go biking with his parents. There went my dream for family time! 

    I chose to shift internally to get in touch with the unmet need. Then, I imagined what it would be like to have more connection. That helped me come to terms with the unmet need. 

    Some options NVC offers for shifting our relationship to unmet needs:

• Stay present with the experience of the need.
• Mourning that it is unmet via writing in a journal about it. 
• Sharing our mourning by talking to a friend, who can provide a safe space and give us empathy, not advice. We can share our feelings, perhaps of disappointment or being disheartened.
• Imagine the need being met or connect with the memory of that experience in the past.

    NVC is not a process of focusing our energy on trying to meet our needs to experience peace. It is a process that gives us choice to live in peace internally whether or not our needs are met. 

    Please share how this is landing for you, by commenting below.

Codependence, Independence, Interdependence

 

Between the extremes of codependence and independence, lies interdependence

Codependence/Dependence:

• We rely solely on other people or systems (for example, our spouse or ISKCON) to meet our needs.
• We have the expectation that our needs "should" be fulfilled by others. For example, a husband might think that it is the wife's "duty" to cook for him, clean his clothes, a.k.a, be his slave! A wife may have the expectation that her need for love, belonging, security, and financial stability "should" be met by her husband.
• We blame others for unmet needs. For example, I blame ISKCON management for not caring for me during a rough time, although I gave so much service to the movement.
• In codependency, a mentor may derive their sense of identity from being the "rescuer" of their mentee. In such a case, the relationship becomes thwarting for the mentee, for their growth threatens the sense of identity of their mentor. The mentor will prefer for them to be in a helpless, victim mode, so that their need for contribution and mattering continues to be met. The mentor is hustling for their own self-worth, in a codependent relationship.
• We get stuck that a particular person has to meet our needs. We refuse to think creatively of options to meet our needs through other strategies. We fail to take responsibility for our own needs and blame others for not meeting them. For example, I went through 2 miscarriages about 14-15 years ago. When my mentor did not call me after my 2nd miscarriage, I harbored a lot of negativity towards them. Later, with NVC, I saw how my need for care and support were primed at the time, and as an adult, I can find many creative strategies by reaching out to friends and family, rather than demand that a particular person meet my need. 
• We disconnect from our personal power when we depend on others to meet our needs. We experience no sense of agency, we believe we are unable to affect change, and that our needs can be met by external forces alone. We see ourselves as being incapable of meeting our needs.
• We may "give in" or "give up" on many of our own needs, in hopes that some of our foundational needs, such as love and belonging will be met. We might seek approval to ensure belonging. We are more likely to submit. 
• Eastern cultures where communal needs are prioritized can sometimes go to this unhealthy extreme.
• Women are socialized to be dependent. 

Independence:

• Prabhupada explains that mayavada and sunyavada philosophies arise out of frustration. These philosophies are essentially based on independence. 
• Sometimes, we get so frustrated by unmet expectations in relationships that we go to the extreme of thinking we can rely only on ourselves, perceiving ourselves as completely self-sufficient. We sacrifice connection with others. 
• Western cultures have a strong ethic that self-sufficiency leads to better chances of survival. Dependence is associated with weakness and powerlessness. 
• Men are socialized to be independent, which often frustrates the women seeking partnership with them!

Dependence and Independence are really flip sides of the same coin. Both arise from a fear-driven, often shame-based approach. Whether we see ourselves as utterly dependent or independent we likely feel alienated from ourselves and others.

Interdependence:

The Butterfly Effect: the flutter of a butterfly's wings can touch patterns of weather across the planet.

• Humans are social beings. Our needs are met through interdependent relationships.
• A healthy mentor-mentee relationship is that of interdependence. The mentor serves as a "coach" rather than a "rescuer". Their need for contribution and for extending compassionate care is met by sharing Krishna Consciousness with their mentee. The mentee's need for growth, community, love, and belonging is also met in such an exchange. But neither is dependent on the other exclusively for meeting their need. A mentor can find many creative strategies for meeting their need for contribution, and hence their self-worth or mattering is not on the table if the mentee makes choices that are out of alignment with the mentor's suggestions. 
• We take responsibility for our own needs and this empowers us to move into action. 
• We recognize that we need others to meet our needs. Our lives are inextricably intertwined with the lives of others. Life is sustained through interdependent relationships. 
• We recognize that the same Paramatma lives within all of us, and we are connecting on the soul-to-soul level. We recognize that the All Potent Krishna has also bestowed us with personal power to meet our needs. 
• We trust that Krishna is a very loving Lord and that He makes all arrangements for His children. We trust that our needs will be met one way or another. Then we are free to let the other person be exactly how they are. And there is so much power in that freedom to give and receive. There is so much potential for connection.  
• We make requests of others to enrich our lives, and are not attached to them agreeing to meet our needs. In other words, our requests are not hidden demands!
• When we are conscious of interdependence, then everyone's needs matter. We don't try to get our needs met at the cost of others' needs. We acknowledge our intrinsic interconnectedness, so we are moved to sharing resources.
• Leaning into interconnectedness, we are less likely to objectify others by seeing them as strategies to meet our needs or as obstacles to satisfying them. We consider how our choices impact others. 
• It is both an opportunity and a responsibility to serve and enrich one another. 
• In interdependent marital relationships, the wife may still be doing many of the traditional roles ascribed to women, and likewise for the husband, but there is no "should", "have to", or "must", but instead one chooses to cook or work joyfully, out of connection with needs of self and others.

Even trees connect with neighboring trees and share information through underground network of fungi. In that way, trees share information and nutrients supporting the health of the entire forest. They pass on nutrients to weaker trees to sustain them!

Watch this video of HH Radhanatha Maharaja on Interdependence!

 

Dadati-pratigrhnati: the mutuality of giving and receiving

With the awareness of interconnectedness, we ask ourselves, "How can I authentically be in touch with what I value while maintaining connection with what's important to the other person?" Integrating authenticity and care, we cultivate our capacity to care for the needs of the self and others. We maintain dialogue when challenges arise, which makes it more likely that we will come up with strategies that attend to the needs of everyone.

Reference - Chapter 3, "Interdependence and Dependence/Independence" from "The Heart of Nonviolent Communication: 25 Keys to Shift from Separation to Connection" by Stephanie Bachmann Mattei and Kristin K. Collier.

Please share your comments below!

Interdependence in Relationships

Question: Request to elaborate premise 7 - human beings meet needs through interdependent relationships -- even though we can use different strategies or reach out to different people to meet needs, there are some times or situations that may be specific and narrowed down to one relationship. 

How do we balance Krishna Conscious principles and meet both party's needs? I realize the goal is to eventually rise above, but in our current situation, how do we acknowledge/ become non-judgmental about our or our partners' needs and figure out strategies to meet the needs?

Response:

If a spouse has a craving for idlis and sambhar, and in their home, primarily a North Indian menu is cooked, they can find many strategies to meet their desire. They could go to a restaurant, they could choose to request a friend to cook for them, they could learn recipes from Google Guru and cook these items themselves. However, intimacy doesn’t work like that! A spouse cannot approach a neighbor as a strategy to find intimacy!

Fortunately, intimacy is not a "need".

The Flower of Needs

            Behind the need for intimacy is usually a need for closeness and connection. A partner wants to belong within the relationship. They want to feel love and affection, attunement, pleasure, and touch. The point is to find other strategies within a relationship to meet these needs that align with the values of both partners. Perhaps the partners go on bi-annual vacations or take daily, connecting walks. Perhaps hugs and physical closeness bring them together. Learning NVC together greatly enhances connection and attunement, as I have found within my marriage of 20 years. 

In NVC, we consider that demands or requests are like icebergs. What we can see on top is the demand or the request that is being made of us. Some requests are made with sensitivity to our needs and some demands might come at us while the other person is screaming obscenities.  However, the major part of the iceberg is what's underwater, what is not visible to the eyes. And that is an appeal, "Do I matter?", "Are my needs important to you?", "Do you see my humanity?"

Behind every demand or request is the beautiful plea of a human wondering, "Do I matter?"

NVC teaches us to shift our intention to connection, not to get what we want out of the exchange or relationship. If my partner has a strategy to meet their need that is in conflict with my Krishna Conscious values, NVC empowers us to cultivate the tools to separate their strategy from their need. Can we turn the conflict of our strategies into a dilemma that we solve together? Instead of the issue being a conflict between us, can we be on the same side of the table?

In this diagram, "P" refers to a "problem" we may have in a relationship. Notice the difference between having the problem between the two people vs. having the two people connected and looking together at the problem.

Using NVC, can I express to my partner what my needs are? For example, we are well aware that within ISKCON, different Gurus have different standards on the hot potato topic of "no illicit sex". Can I see my partner's demand or request for intimacy within our marriage as a beautiful call to matter? Can I soften by this awareness? With that intention that everyone's needs matter, can I also express my need for spiritual connection by staying in alignment with my Guru's standards?

Poem by Marshall Rosenberg

I am eager to hear your thoughts. Please share your comments and contribute to the discussion! 

Can everyone's needs be met simultaneously?

 One of the key premises of Nonviolent Communication is:

“Our world offers abundant resources for meeting needs. When human beings are committed to valuing everyone’s needs and have regained their skills for fostering connection and their creativity about sharing resources, we can overcome our current crisis of imagination and find ways to attend to everyone’s basic needs.” 

Someone from our support group questioned whether it is always possible to meet everyone’s needs. This family owns fewer cars than there are drivers in the home. Often, multiple family members need to use cars at the same time, and she wonders how it might be possible to meet everyone’s needs. 

Indeed, I'd love for every tree to be a kalpa vrksha that can grant all our needs and wishes. I wish I could ask the oak tree in my backyard for a Tesla. Alas, the material world is not a fairy tale land! So what do we mean when we see it's always possible to meet everyone's needs?

Firstly, in the above devotee’s example, it is important to recognize that transportation is not a need. To find the need underneath the strategy, NVC trains us to ask the question, “If you had that, then what would you have?” One family member might need a car to visit a friend, in which case the need is for connection. Another family member might need a car to get to work, in which case the need is for financial stability for the family or professional growth for oneself. Another family member might need a car to go for a kirtan, in which case, the need is for spiritual upliftment and community. If everyone’s needs can be on the table, then we may not be attached to the specific strategy, which is that all family members want the limited number of cars. The NVC approach will be to place all the needs on the table and for everyone to solve the dilemma together - to find ways to meet everyone’s needs. One family member might drop the other to the kirtan and take the car to go meet their friend. Or one might choose to connect with a friend virtually, recognizing the need for connection can be met in multiple ways, etc. 

Having said this, here’s an important key intention of Nonviolent Communication (session 2 will focus on this concept),

    “Living in peace with unmet needs: We aim to work with our feelings when we experience our needs as unmet, connecting with the needs, rather than insisting on meeting them.”

    So when we talk of “meet” needs in NVC, we refer to acknowledging and getting in touch with them. Imagine shaking hands with your need, “Hello beautiful need, I see you, I acknowledge you, and sometimes, I mourn that you are not met.” 

    NVC empowers us to sit in empathy with the pain of unmet needs. I have found time and time again that even when it is not possible to meet everyone’s needs in the family, acknowledging and mourning unmet needs allows us to hold the sweet pain of the unmet need together. Human beings, at the deepest level, want empathy, not that all their needs are met all the time. If I can sit with my children’s pain, in empathy, not to “fix it”, or “cheer them up”, or show them how privileged they are to even have 2 cars in the house, then, my children can come to a feeling of being held with care, knowing that their needs matter, even when they are not met.

    Another key premise of NVC is,

    

    "Our capacity for peace is not dependent on having our needs met."

    We currently have a dilemma in front of us. During our next trip to India, my husband would like to prolong the time he spends with his disabled father. I would like to attend the yatra in its entirety. Perhaps we’ll find a way to meet both our needs. Or perhaps we won’t. What is important is that we "meet" both our needs with compassion, i.e., we acknowledge the beauty of each of our needs. We express equal care for our needs, through dialogue and discussion, not through power-over, guilt-inducing tactics that manipulate the other. Then, even if some of our needs are unmet, we have togetherness in mourning the sweet pain of that need. We know that we matter to each other.

    

    What are your thoughts on meeting everyone's needs? Please comment on this post below...

Does a Dasanudas have Needs?

Question:

If I am the servant of the servant, like our philosophy tells us, then how is it healthy for me to be in touch with my needs and to express and request for them to be met? How to solve the dichotomy between being in a service mood and being conscious of my needs at the same time? Isn’t it true that if I were truly in a mood of humble service, I would not need to satisfy my needs?

Response:

While we aspire to be the servant of the servant of the servants of the Vaishnavas, the undeniable reality of our human existence is that we have needs. Some of these are basic, survival needs such as air, food, water, and shelter. And others are thriving needs, such as connection, love, belonging, mattering, and acceptance. While we would not be able to survive without the former, it is also true that if the latter set of needs are not met for a sustained period of time, it stunts our emotional, psychological, and ultimately, physiological growth. Babies, for example, who receive plenty of bottled milk, but do not receive warm caring hugs actually perish, research unfortunately shows.

We know that fully liberated souls do not have these needs. The Six Goswamis, for example, survived on a palmful of buttermilk every other day. Because of the intensity of their Krishna Consciousness, and because of their pervasive mood of humble service, they were able to conquer even their survival needs, what to speak of their thriving needs. Srila Haridas Thakura was deriving such rasa from the chanting of the Holy Name that he did not even have a need for physical safety!

However, HH Bir Krishna Maharaja explains that even senior devotees have needs! He points to Srila Prabhupada’s taking walks, or his need for humor. There is a sign outside Bir Krishna Maharaja’s home in Hillsborough, NC, which reads something to the effect, ‘If you do not have an appointment, do not enter!’ This is a clear example of how he sets boundaries to safeguard his needs. He chooses not to stay at Temples when he travels, for people just walk into his room and demand his time. He instead stays at congregation members' homes during his travel to have boundaries around his appointment timings. 

In 2018, a couple of devotees wrote to HH Romapada Swami Maharaja expressing that they were benefitting immensely from HH Bir Krishna Maharaja’s book. When the former shared this with the latter, HH Bir Krishna Maharaja told him, ‘Wow! Thanks! I really have a need for appreciation!’ HH Romapada Swami responded, “I have the same need.” 

And then, there’s us - struggling sadhakas! Because we are not chanting purely, I believe it is important for us to be realistic and not idealistic about our mood of service. While we are not envious of the goal - which is to come to a platform of only caring about Krishan’s needs - we can accept that we are not there yet! For us to not put healthy boundaries around ourselves and express (in nonviolent ways, of course) our needs, pushes us into a territory of resentment. Boundaries are the healthy distance at which I can love you and me simultaneously. When I take the space within our relationship to express my needs clearly and request (not demand) that they be considered, I can be grounded in my current, authentic reality, while also aspiring to serve you. 

I can share my own personal example. Many women have been socialized to idealize the conception of the self-sacrificing mom, who only provides for her family’s needs, while she has absolutely no needs of her own. The scriptures talk about such elevated moms, and our media is full of shame messages that attribute destructive behaviors of children to inattentive mothering. I found though, that I was living with resentment when I was trying to be that self-sacrificing, needs-free mama. I was resentful towards my kids for taking up so much headspace and time in my life. I was resentful towards my husband for taking rest and taking out time to read sastra, rather than helping out in the house. 

As I worked to get in touch with my needs, I realized that I have multiple needs that all are screaming to be acknowledged. While I aspire to be in a humble mood of service towards my family, I need to be recognize my need for space, rest, and rejuvenation away from my children. That led me to create a schedule that allows me to chant my rounds before my children wake up, so that I have quiet, connection time. That led me to also create space for yoga and time away from them in the evenings. I also recognize that I have a need for professional development. That led me to find ways to work remotely while also homeschooling them. I had to let go of the shame and guilt I carried for having time away from my children. There was a voice inside my head that told me, “You’re their mom, you should always be taking care of them. You should sacrifice everything to just serve. You should not be developing a career. That’s all maya.” 

However, I find myself being a more grounded, happier mother when I do acknowledge the other needs besides rolling chappatis and nurturing my children’s needs. I spend a lot of time studying and sharing NVC, to meet my need for understanding human emotions and behavior, to make sense of my experience as a human being. I even travel out of town to attend trainings and present seminars. Yes, my plate is full now and I don’t spend as much time with them. Yes, I have hired maids to clean our home. Yes, I choose to buy bread, tortillas, and Oreos, instead of making them at home, because I am choosing to spend my time in other ways. But I’m not resentful! This is healthier for our family, given my current capacity. Ideally, I would cook everything at home in Krishna Consciousness. But I’d rather not be resentful and be baking bread, and feeding that consciousness to my family! I am a happier member of the congregation who contributes her talents in creative ways, ever since I have been working on having healthy boundaries around my needs! 

One of the things we learn in NVC is to consider others’ needs while making requests for our needs to be met. A simple example is - if I need to take a nap and my kids are playing, by placing this as a dilemma in front of us, instead of a conflict between us, I invite for everyone’s needs to matter. So I ask, “Gopinatha and Jiva, I really need some rest right now. My battery is almost dead since I woke up early today. And it’s so wonderful that you both have loads energy to play right now. What solution can we come up with so that all our needs can be met?” So I ask for my needs, but with the humility of being a servant, including care for others’ needs within my request. 

Ultimately, if our goal is to come to a place of serving Krishna unconditionally, in a humble mood, and we use Nonviolent Communication as a helpful supplementary process to aid in that goal, then we are utilizing the principle of yukta vairagya. 

I invite your comments below...