Taking Full Responsibility for Meeting our Needs

Question: In a previous session, referring to an example of coming late to a class, Prabhu was making a point that- if the need is punctuality, one would be angry and if the need is peace, there will be no anger/disturbance. 

I am not very clear about it yet, but if I change my need with my relationship with my mother in law. Instead of me wanting to be included, if I try to meet my unmet need, or shift my need to peace instead of expecting something else...Maybe it would be easier.

My Thoughts:

    The realization that Prabhu was sharing was that we take full responsibility that our feelings are connected to our needs, and not to the actions/words of others. If I am waiting for a friend, who arrives 15 minutes after the agreed-upon time, and if I value punctuality and respect for our agreement, I will feel angry. However, if I need some rest, and in those 15 minutes, I take a power nap, I will feel glad and rejuvenated! If I had a really rough parenting day, and I needed 15 minutes to just decompress and read, I would feel ease and relaxation to have that time. So we can see that in the same situation, different feelings can arise, based on our needs, and release others from the shackles of thinking they are "causing" our feelings. I used to carry a lot of resentment towards a lot of people for not meeting my needs. Taking responsibility for my feelings has been liberating from the cage I had built for myself!

    Part of taking full responsibility for our needs includes releasing particular people from the expectation of meeting particular needs. I need belonging and inclusion. I want to know that I matter. I want to feel love and connection. I can find creative strategies for meeting my needs. Sometimes, my mother-in-law may be able to meet some of these needs. And at other times, she may not have the capacity to meet any/some of them. I am an adult and it is my responsibility, not hers, to meet my needs. 

    There have been some points in my life when I've had some health challenges. In those times, I have been attached to expectations for her to reach out to me in particular ways. Now, however, with some NVC training, I've come to understand that my need during those times was for support and care. If I can release her from the expectation that she has to meet these needs, then I can reach out to others for support and care. I have plenty of family and friends, who have been willing to meet those needs.

    Inclusion and belonging are other needs that come alive for me in my relationship with my in-laws. NVC encourages us to sit with the beauty of our needs, independent of the attachment of particular people needing to meet them. So, I can journal or speak with a friend about my needs to be included, to belong, and to have connection. I can acknowledge and accept these needs. Then, I can find ways to belong and be included in other settings. For example, my need for belonging, inclusion, and connection are being met by our NVC support group. Devotees are finding benefit from what I am sharing, and there is a sense of community and camaraderie. We find shared reality in our marital struggles and the husband-wife jokes make light of the challenges of grhastha life! So, I do not have to force my in-laws or anyone else to meet my needs, but can find many wonderful, creative ways to meet my needs.

    It's not so much as changing the needs within my relationship with my mother-in-law, but releasing her from the shackles of meeting my needs. Then, there is flow in our relationship. She gives joyfully and with choice, to whichever needs she has the willingness and capacity to meet. I receive so much from my in-laws, who love me dearly, when I shift my perspective. I am able to move from "entitlement" to "gratitude" by taking responsibility for meeting my needs. This freedom to give and receive to meet needs, is what I believe, Srila Rupa Goswami talks about, in the six loving exchanges.