Interdependence in Relationships

Question: Request to elaborate premise 7 - human beings meet needs through interdependent relationships -- even though we can use different strategies or reach out to different people to meet needs, there are some times or situations that may be specific and narrowed down to one relationship. 

How do we balance Krishna Conscious principles and meet both party's needs? I realize the goal is to eventually rise above, but in our current situation, how do we acknowledge/ become non-judgmental about our or our partners' needs and figure out strategies to meet the needs?

Response:

If a spouse has a craving for idlis and sambhar, and in their home, primarily a North Indian menu is cooked, they can find many strategies to meet their desire. They could go to a restaurant, they could choose to request a friend to cook for them, they could learn recipes from Google Guru and cook these items themselves. However, intimacy doesn’t work like that! A spouse cannot approach a neighbor as a strategy to find intimacy!

Fortunately, intimacy is not a "need".

The Flower of Needs

            Behind the need for intimacy is usually a need for closeness and connection. A partner wants to belong within the relationship. They want to feel love and affection, attunement, pleasure, and touch. The point is to find other strategies within a relationship to meet these needs that align with the values of both partners. Perhaps the partners go on bi-annual vacations or take daily, connecting walks. Perhaps hugs and physical closeness bring them together. Learning NVC together greatly enhances connection and attunement, as I have found within my marriage of 20 years. 

In NVC, we consider that demands or requests are like icebergs. What we can see on top is the demand or the request that is being made of us. Some requests are made with sensitivity to our needs and some demands might come at us while the other person is screaming obscenities.  However, the major part of the iceberg is what's underwater, what is not visible to the eyes. And that is an appeal, "Do I matter?", "Are my needs important to you?", "Do you see my humanity?"

Behind every demand or request is the beautiful plea of a human wondering, "Do I matter?"

NVC teaches us to shift our intention to connection, not to get what we want out of the exchange or relationship. If my partner has a strategy to meet their need that is in conflict with my Krishna Conscious values, NVC empowers us to cultivate the tools to separate their strategy from their need. Can we turn the conflict of our strategies into a dilemma that we solve together? Instead of the issue being a conflict between us, can we be on the same side of the table?

In this diagram, "P" refers to a "problem" we may have in a relationship. Notice the difference between having the problem between the two people vs. having the two people connected and looking together at the problem.

Using NVC, can I express to my partner what my needs are? For example, we are well aware that within ISKCON, different Gurus have different standards on the hot potato topic of "no illicit sex". Can I see my partner's demand or request for intimacy within our marriage as a beautiful call to matter? Can I soften by this awareness? With that intention that everyone's needs matter, can I also express my need for spiritual connection by staying in alignment with my Guru's standards?

Poem by Marshall Rosenberg

I am eager to hear your thoughts. Please share your comments and contribute to the discussion!