Walking the Bridge from Fairness to Willingness and Capacity

Question: The only thing I also notice about myself is when I am kind to others, or do something, there’s no problem. But the problem occurs when I start subtly to expect some reciprocation, whether in terms of appreciation, respecting my doing or lending me a hand with chores. And that is not always the need of others. The need for me is there, connection and respect and love. But others needs of same thing can be in different ways (different strategy). But now since my needs didn’t get met, I am somehow unable to meet those needs of others. How to overcome this problem? Krsna consciousness teaches us not to expect and understand the peace formula from BG but as normal humans as I’m not at the level of that consciousness yet, despite trying, it’s an automatic response to expect especially from loved ones.

My Thoughts:

    I encourage you to not confuse that which is natural with that which has become habitual. I would say that expecting reciprocation from others has become habitual, but is not the natural state of the jiva. 

    NVC is based on the understanding that humans are a "mothering species". This term does not refer to the female gender, but instead of a human's innate tendency to orient to other people's needs in the spirit of unilateral giving. Of all species, the human baby is the most dependent for the longest amount of time. Without unilateral giving on part of the care takers and unilateral receiving on the part of the baby, our species will not survive. The principle of unilaterally giving and receiving is in our DNA. 

    When we are oriented to the needs of the other, giving is natural. Human beings, no matter what age or gender, have this "mothering" instinct. This implies that what to speak of my spouse, even my 13 and 10 year old sons have the inherent capacity to contribute to my needs, if I just orient them to what I need, instead of to a "should", "have to", guilt trip, or obligation. Even if I do not say it out loud, if I carry an expectation energy, it interferes with this natural flow because flow depends on experiencing choice in giving. 

    This "gift economy" is our natural currency. However, we are socialized into a "market economy". I keep track of how much I am giving and if your giving falls short of my account, I feel some caustic energy towards you. 

    NVC invites us to walk the bridge from "fairness" to "willingness and capacity". There is no fairness in the world of natural giving! 

    I can share an example of expectations from my own life. My husband and I have an agreement that I take take care of our Deities by doing Mangal Arati and cooking from Mondays through Fridays, and my husband does Mangal Arati on Saturdays and Sundays. Once a week, on Sundays, we decided that he would cook. I used to keep close track of whether my husband was doing his "services".  I was fearful that my needs for ease and space on the weekends will not be met if I did not assert that things be fair. If he happened to have a meeting on a Saturday morning, for example, then I would want to "trade" for another day. However, the more I am cultivating my muscle to orient towards our needs, I am shifting from fairness to willingness and capacity. On a day that he might have a Karuna Care meeting in the early morning hours, for example, I have more capacity to serve Their Lordships. I want to contribute to his need to grow in his counseling skills by being present at such meetings. I am no longer keeping a tab on which day he will "trade" with me for, because I am tapping into my need for contribution to his life, and his need for self growth. 

    Exchange interferes with the natural flow of giving to needs. If someone gives to us out of obligation, that giving is like sweet rice mixed with sand. There is no rasa or taste in it because it is transactional, rather than loving. Transactional exchange empties relationships. If we want flow, we need to fundamentally uncouple giving from receiving. We need to strengthen our muscle of unilateral giving, but even more difficult, we need to strengthen our muscle of unilateral receiving. 

    Because of my orientation to fairness, and my discomfort with unilateral receiving, when I returned from DC last Friday, I considered telling my husband that I would serve the Deities on Saturday and Sunday, since he had covered up for Thursday and Friday, which are typically "my days" for serving the Deities. But I checked myself because such a transaction would have diminished his giving to me. My understanding is that he joyfully took care of the Deities for two days because of his need to see me enlivened by sharing NVC in DC. If I reduced it to a transaction, I would have diminished his loving gift to me, and his joy in having had the good fortune of serving our Lordships on days that he typically is working instead. 

    Another example is that I have a need for mutuality in our home. We all eat in the home, we live there, and so I would like for all of us to participate in cleaning and serving in ways that are mutually reciprocal. Previously, I was fearful that if I am "nice", I will end up being everyone's slave. I will end up doing all the work while everyone else just goofs off. However, now I feel empowered with tools to express my needs and hold other's needs with care at the same time. Because I am no longer fearful of my needs not getting met, I can come to the table with tenderness in my heart and be vulnerable with my children. Here's a hypothetical, sample dialogue:

    "I really value mutuality (NEED) in our home. I often feel overwhelmed (FEELING) with work, homeschooling, tending to your needs, and the courses I am taking and teaching. I want to experience ease and time to rest (NEED). I am wondering if you can also share your needs, and together, we can come up with a list of services that you will be willing to take responsibility for (REQUEST).

    Notice in this dialogue that I did not place expectations of reciprocation on my children. I did not tell them that they need to clean in order to live and eat here. I did not have a predefined strategy of what I want my children to do. I did not place the problem as a conflict between us, but as a dilemma in front of us. We are on the same side of the table and I am seeking partnership and collaboration in solving the dilemma. I am also vulnerable and invoked their inherent need to make my life wonderful by contributing to my needs, which I oriented them towards. My request for my children to share their needs may open up the door to my understanding their need for recreation, play, or relaxation after a day at school. 

    The curious paradox is that when we let go of expectations, people might just actually behave in ways we want them! But we cannot cheat the system! Krishna is in our hearts and He knows all that lies within, even if we try to veil it pretty well! When people are free to give to us, without fear of consequences or guilt trips, then out of that freedom, choice, and autonomy, they give joyfully. 

    This does mean that we are willing to let voids happen instead of someone overcommitting and then feeling resentful. So, I may choose to live in peace with cleaning my home once every two weeks, because no one is joyfully willing nor has the capacity for a weekly cadence. The choice is ours - do we want to live in resentment, or do we want to live in peace with some unmet needs? 

    It has to begin somewhere. It's a choice that we are being invited to! Are we willing to choose to release others from the shackles of our expectations? We can choose to create the world we want to live in, starting from our home. Are we willing to partake in an alternative way of relating, rooted in flow? Are we willing to release our conceptions of fairness and replace them with what is really possible?

    This might mean that because I am further along on this journey than most of the people I am in relationship with, within my capacity, I may extend more care for navigating things. Why? Because I have the capacity. If I were committed to fairness, I would say, "Why should I do more than you? I shouldn't." But I choose to. As I gain more and more capacity, I want to bring in more care for the whole, not just for me. 

    I invite you to think about how you can break your deeply ingrained scripts of fairness and expectations in small interactions throughout the day. What can you do differently to start to spin threads of connection, instead of disconnection with our loved ones?